your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I have already put on my inside pants.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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