literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
