Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
