After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
