so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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