whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Blood and glitter go together right?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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