Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
