take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Someone shit on the floor
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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