worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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