Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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