I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
