I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I can tuck mytits in my pants
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
