New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
