cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
