my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
