I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
