My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
