I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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