the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
