i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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