worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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