The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
