boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
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I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
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He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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