Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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