does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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