she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
