I must be too annoying 4 u.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
