Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
