Dude my mom stole all your condoms
im drinking this country out of the recession.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
