Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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