You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
