And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
where am i from again
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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