shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
