Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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