This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
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i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
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Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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