Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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