Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
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