I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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