god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
