i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
