I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
