im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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