I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
