my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Randomize
