I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .