He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.