My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
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It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
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I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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