It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
