I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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