Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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