she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
