I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
