My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
