He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
