toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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