so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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